One night, I dreamed I was back in primary school again. Waking up every morning expecting to meet friends and familiar faces, as well as the girl who sits at the very front of the class.
I realized I was missing the structure that being in the same class with every period planned and predicted. School became to mean that at that time, in that room, I would know exactly where I sit, and I would know exactly where she is. Class then became to mean something less educational, but rather a means to achieving a sense of predictability in our relationship. It was also a means of establishing a position or place in your world and establishing your place in my world. If one day you were absent, my world would be poorer, smaller and less.
And because I/we have such a beginning, that much later, when I was wiser and more "spiritual", events that seemed random and meaningless began to take some shape and purpose. Not necessarily in a mystical mysterious way, but I learned to realize that certain events prepare the way for what will come after and that its often in hindsight that we realize just how lucky we were.
Likewise, I also long for that regularity, where we would show up, in the same place, at the same time, seeing the same things, hearing the same lessons. Naturally coming together and naturally participating in the activities of the day.
Because I was eleven, young and impressionable, the memory of watching your back from my position in the back of the class, became a part of my personality and background. Was it preparation for what was to come? Or just another funny and sweet childhood memory, haunting the shadows formed by the passage and changes of time.
And in many ways, I see that you were always in front, and I never realized. I was always behind, seeing, but never aware of what is in front. And even now it seems, we are in the same situation, I watching you as from behind and slowly realizing, and you yourself in the front, feeling first and guessing. As always you were first, and as always I was behind.
